Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Top 25 Things About Things

My Top 25 Musings on 2011.

25. We decided to add a 13th zodiac sign and give ourselves a personality disorder.
It's like a civil war inside me. Apparently, the earth shifted and made way for the new sign called Ophiuchus and I went from being an Aquarius to a Capricorn. Basically, ew. Sorry, earth - you cant make me change! You're not my real dad anyway.

24. Britney Spears turned 30 and Amy Winehouse will not. Someone made a bunch of money in their Celebrity Death pool from 2011. Good for you for making it off the list the right way, Brit.

23. My best friend Evie joined Facebook. She may not like it or really use it, but she did it. Now I can stop being consistently disappointed in her access to ex crushes she's mentioned over the years and I can quit starting most sentences with "Well, on facebook.........."

22. The Packers won the Super Bowl. Apparently, winning a super bowl doesn't foster a sense of satisfaction in the hearts of fans and players, it actually ignites a fire that cant be contained or satiated until all other social activities are forsaken and compromised, like 30th birthdays in Mexico that happen to take place on February 2nd.

21. Verizon started selling the Iphone.
Little known fact: Siri was actually a profit who was an apprentice to Nostradamus and predicted two major titans in the phone industry would unite like Sam & Diane. We love them together, but they just cant seem to stay happy. He knows he wasnt her first choice.

20. Two of my favorite people moved to France. And just as Johnny Depp decided to move back to America. Coincidence? I think Michael wanted the country all to himself.

19. Charlie Sheen gets replaced by Ashton Kutcher on Two and a Half Men. Why do all of us have to pay for something we didnt do? Just like the kid who steals the teacher's pencil and the whole class has to give up recess.....let's do right by ourselves and cancel that sh*t show.

18. Greek Yogurt rocked the dairy world like a hurricane. 2010's bacon renaissance was not to be topped. So much fiber! So tangy!! A healthy substitute for sour cream! And still prevents yeast infections in women on antibiotics. I mean, who could ask for more?

17. The Hunger Games quenched our inner Tween's appetite. Alot darker than the Twilight series but I'm still one of a select few who thinks Katniss is a lesbian. No mention of a single gay in all of Panem? Suspicious.

16. I fell in love with beer, then gave it up, then rekindled that fire! 6 months of wedding diet vodka sodas never tasted so pedestrian than when I tried Dogfishead's Hellhound.

15. Words With Friends success leads to distrust in opponents, *ahem* I mean friends. I'm sorry but how are you not cheating? 67 points on QAT? Also, a perfectly appropriate place for your mother to use the words twat and vulva innocently.

14. Melissa McCarthy wins an Emmy for 'Bridesmaids'. I know, I dont get it either. Mike & Molly has been seen by 2 people and those people accidentally taped it thinking it was another crime scene show.

13. I decided to learn to sew. It wont make me fat and I will learn some patience in the process. Win, win.

12. Planet Earth 0, The Kardashians 10. Despite boring plot archs, sham weddings and out of wedlock children who resemble dead patriarchs they are still #1 in someone's book. How can we shake these pests!?

11. The Occupy Movement coworker's house? In an amazing turn of events, the occupy movement settled into a "foreclosed" house my coworker was in esgro to purchase and now has 100 people in his new "house" squatting. Now the 99% is against even the 99%?

10. Podcasts created 8 million hours of content no one cares about but me. It's like listening to a magazine. Sure I need to know about how to use an ipod earbud as a lightsource or why Terri Gross loves limes. I'll even listen to a show about listening to PHISH if it has Adam Scott.

9. I watched Friday Night Lights and grew as a person. I'm proud to never have to explain to people why I have no heart. No one does "cry face" better than Connie Britton, not even Claire Danes.

8. Osama Bin Laden was captured. I dont really have a joke for this.

7. Groupon replaced "impulse buys" as a money waster. Mostly, I buy them and forget about them, then forget them when I actually go to use it. It's a viscous cycle. At least when I buy a stupid pencil at the grocery store as a joke I lose it a year after using it.

6. Ricin is now a word we all know. At least the cool people who watch Breaking Bad.

5. Mumford & Sons brings Folk Rock back to the masses. Both amazing music to dance to, to work out to and it doesn't hurt that it has bluegrass tendencies and isn't categorized as hillbilly. Take that, Cotton Eyed Joe!

4. I commented on someone from High School's status on facebook along with 7 other people and she "liked" every comment but mine. I should defriend her right?

3. Casey Anthony and Amanda Knox both set free. But only 1 had a lifetime movie starring Hayden Panetierre. I hope when they make the LTM of Case Anthony she's played by Party of Five's Lacey Chabert and her dad is played by Joe Simpson.

2. Google + failed. Poor Google +. You are as irrelevant Netscape Navigator, Lycos and jokes about cookies.

1. I got married! and took 2 weeks off of work for the first time ever. I also saw alot of other friends get married and engaged. I know none of them got it at Jared's. My only wedding advice is ALWAYS, always, always assign seating. You're not being "breezy".