Wednesday, December 5, 2012

2012 In Review

2012. You were a terrible movie starring John Cusack. You were a Mayan catastrophe that never happened. You were 365 days worth of entertainment, history making and general lifeyness. Here is a count down of the top 10 things 2012 gave us:


10. The Freedom To Block Your Republican Friends On Facebook
We were all waiting for a reason right? This election year was less about Obama and Romney for me and more about watching people throw themselves down the black hole known as "BLOCK". Oh? You think we should overturn Roe V Wade? What was that? Gay marriage is an abomination? Something blah blah blah about TAXES!? I cant hear you from REPORT AS SPAM.

9. A Boy Became A Man.
Dark Knight.
Premium Rush.
Saturday Night Live.

All 5 food groups: action. comedy. facial prosthetics. history. shirtlessnessicity.

I see big things for you, JoLev. We wont make you go back to Halloween sequels and  tv movies. Not if I have anything to say about it. Welcome to the big leagues. Youre the third rock from my sun. The 500 days to my summer and the 10 things I DONT hate about you.

8. Buzzfeed Dominated The CUTE ANIMAL Marketplace.

And opened our hearts and changed our internet article pallet - because of you we only want to read articles that are 40% headline and 50% pictures, 5 % mullets and 5% gifs.

7. Apple Finally Earned The Coveted (yet played out) Accolade: FAIL.
As a longtime Iphone user I can honestly say:  The new Apple Maps are THE WORST! You fucked up! You fucked up! I mean I am not going to get a new phone by any means but this was one pretty epic loss for the user. For me it was like seeing a glitch in the matrix, a slice to the Achilles heel, we're not all perfect. (this may just be projection).

6. One argument AGAINST Marrying Your Cousin. Two In Favor.No explanation necessary.

 5.  Post World Series Giants Fans Prove Hippy Dippy San Fran Can Hang.
Who needs quinoa and socks and sandals when you can trade all that in for complete and utter violent chaos? I thought because they've won in the past 2 years we'd settle on smug elitism. It turns out we opted for anarchy. We're such sore winners!

4. It Turns Out Scientology Is Boring.
The Master proved a snore (but good acting) and the divorce of the hottest scientologist couple of the century was duller than taking a stress test while sleeping. Come on guys - turn up the volume on the weirdo alien shit and crank out some salacious shit, please. Otherwise, I am going to have to revoke your cult religion qualifications and downgrade you to after school club.

3. One Hit Wonders Dont Exist Anymore.
It used to be that we fell in love with a song melody and let it wash over us with unrelenting airplay and commercial integration. Now, we embrace - with millions of youtube parodies, headlining tours in anticipation of the next single. PSY, Carly Rae - it's all in the timing. Your flash in the pan may now be long simmer. Oppan gangnam style people!

2. Instagram Gave Our Eyes Voices.
A picture is worth a 1000 words. 1000 instagram photos are worth one word: facebook. Good job app land! You made some money and changed the way we are seeing ourselves, others, our feet, drinks at the beach and nails.

1. We Overused A Ton Of Phrases.
 I never want to hear the following again:


May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor


Said No One Ever