Sunday, September 22, 2013

In Defense Of The Rom Com

Romantic Comedies get a bad wrap, man. People think they are vapid and poorly written. I'm not going to argue with that, I mean any movie with Ashton Kutcher as a romantic lead I assume was written by a clueless estrogren replacement robot held captive, operating on only 2007 twitter retweets and Dude Where's My Car fan fiction.  Another major complaint is that life just isn't like that. The general population argues that that the idea of a prince charming and the bumbling heroine sets unrealistic expectations for real life relationships. I have never met a kid who saw a unicorn in movie and thought, wow, what a farce. Looks like I'll be needing some therapy courtesy of major movie studios.

As a woman who firmly stands behind her love of romcoms this is my defense of the genre:


How dare you make movies that put us on pedestals and give us way more credit than we're worth!? For every loser who would rather contribute to our low expectations so every date is a pleasant surprise there's the guy who sees this as an opportunity to inspire. You are out there, I have proof.  Sure, love isn't all about pretending to secretly date your cold but beautiful boss but then falling wildly in love with her despite all odds. Embrace this genre of Romantic Comedy, men - or I am sure the next genre will be Men Are Cheap. Those movies will only be only 7 minutes long so at least it wont be a big time commitment.

Do I want to date the Prime Minister of England?  Do I want to find love with a die hard Boston Red Sox fan who would bleed for the Green Monster? Or do I want a free spirit who teaches me everything I know about nature? My god so many to choose from. Had I not grown up knowing my options were so wide I may have settled for Jon Hamm in Bridesmaids. Or Hugh grant in Bridget Jones. Or Kanye. 

If it weren't for ROM COMS how would I relive my treasured and rambunctious 20s? (While also remembering my epic courting by Shawn) --- I mean this shit keeps us all young! First kisses, first dates, bad dates, good dates, one night stands.....these movies are all some of us married old biddies have! It helps me retroactively capture the youthful spirit of love while I get fat, stop caring and pathetically go to bed at 9:50 because it's ALMOST like 10 (which is a more respectable bedtime for an adult).

Okay, if  men cant live up to our expectations - fine. But for those women who say that these movies are the opposite of the feminist movement and set our sex back to the dark ages where we couldn't vote are clearly not watching ROM COMS. They are wrong. The overall message in most of these movies is BE YOURSELF, BE FUCKING SMART and use what you were born with to better yourself and even the lives of others.If you are dumb, stop fucking acting dumb. Have you ever seen a movie where the message is - hey! get dumber, look uglier, and we promise being a slob will get you everything you want.

Anyway - I love em. I'll always love em. They could be horribly written but I dont care.

Monday, September 9, 2013


Clemency Lies In The Death Of A Charge.

The greatest excuse that ever was: Sorry, my phone died.  Whether you are avoiding committing to weeknight dinner plans or being aloof about work after hours, the best thing for you to say to get out of any responsibility is: I left my charger at home. Granted most people will assume you don't have your shit together and it doesn't shed you in a responsible light but they cant prove a thing! Try calling someone out for failure to keep their electronics at above a 20% battery.

MAJOR EXCEPTION: Job interview follow ups. Just like don't even.

He Who Spoilith For The West Coast Hath No Soul.

Just remember when you are opening that app, be it Twitter or Facebook, you are considering your friends 3 hours behind you. We are like the slow fatties at the marathon - it's not our fault we simply CANT keep up! Stop yourself from Breaking Bad and Mad Men commentary so the rest of us dont have to live on a media blackout for live events.

I even consider quality exclamations spoilers. The minute you say BEST. TRUE BLOOD. EVER. my expectations are shattered. Do it for HBO. Close that app until you clear 11pm on the east coast.

O.P.B: (Other People's Babies) Instagram Over Facebook.

I am not a parent but I have noticed in the last year that parents are more and more hesitant to post their kids pictures on social media. It seems the one exception, flying under the radar is Instagram.

If you are having a ball meeting little Northwest and want to tell the world, the only acceptable channel is a locked IG. Or permission from the mom, I suppose.

Accept Gluten As The Modern Devil (Or At Least Pretend To).

Stop asking me what gluten even is. It's not attractive to be anti-informed. Just effing google it and get with the rest of the planet. It used to be in the early 2000s that we as a mass population weren't accountable for other people's diet restrictions but guess what? now we are. When planning a night out or cooking at home be aware there may be a celiac (or someone pretending to be a celiac just to be cool) and be a responsible restaurant chooser.

Don't accommodate vegans, though. We are still about 1 1/2 years from accepting dairy and meat free citizens as not annoying. Don't worry your time will come. Maybe at the same time gay marriage goes federal.