5 NEW MODERN RULES & TIPS TO LIVE BY:

Clemency Lies In The Death Of A Charge.

The greatest excuse that ever was: Sorry, my phone died.  Whether you are avoiding committing to weeknight dinner plans or being aloof about work after hours, the best thing for you to say to get out of any responsibility is: I left my charger at home. Granted most people will assume you don't have your shit together and it doesn't shed you in a responsible light but they cant prove a thing! Try calling someone out for failure to keep their electronics at above a 20% battery.


MAJOR EXCEPTION: Job interview follow ups. Just like don't even.

He Who Spoilith For The West Coast Hath No Soul.

Just remember when you are opening that app, be it Twitter or Facebook, you are considering your friends 3 hours behind you. We are like the slow fatties at the marathon - it's not our fault we simply CANT keep up! Stop yourself from Breaking Bad and Mad Men commentary so the rest of us dont have to live on a media blackout for live events.

I even consider quality exclamations spoilers. The minute you say BEST. TRUE BLOOD. EVER. my expectations are shattered. Do it for HBO. Close that app until you clear 11pm on the east coast.

O.P.B: (Other People's Babies) Instagram Over Facebook.
I am not a parent but I have noticed in the last year that parents are more and more hesitant to post their kids pictures on social media. It seems the one exception, flying under the radar is Instagram.

If you are having a ball meeting little Northwest and want to tell the world, the only acceptable channel is a locked IG. Or permission from the mom, I suppose.

Accept Gluten As The Modern Devil (Or At Least Pretend To).

Stop asking me what gluten even is. It's not attractive to be anti-informed. Just effing google it and get with the rest of the planet. It used to be in the early 2000s that we as a mass population weren't accountable for other people's diet restrictions but guess what? now we are. When planning a night out or cooking at home be aware there may be a celiac (or someone pretending to be a celiac just to be cool) and be a responsible restaurant chooser.

Don't accommodate vegans, though. We are still about 1 1/2 years from accepting dairy and meat free citizens as not annoying. Don't worry your time will come. Maybe at the same time gay marriage goes federal.