In Defense Of The Rom Com

Romantic Comedies get a bad wrap, man. People think they are vapid and poorly written. I'm not going to argue with that, I mean any movie with Ashton Kutcher as a romantic lead I assume was written by a clueless estrogren replacement robot held captive, operating on only 2007 twitter retweets and Dude Where's My Car fan fiction.  Another major complaint is that life just isn't like that. The general population argues that that the idea of a prince charming and the bumbling heroine sets unrealistic expectations for real life relationships. I have never met a kid who saw a unicorn in movie and thought, wow, what a farce. Looks like I'll be needing some therapy courtesy of major movie studios.

As a woman who firmly stands behind her love of romcoms this is my defense of the genre:

TAKE CREDIT AND TAKE THE LEAD
How dare you make movies that put us on pedestals and give us way more credit than we're worth!? For every loser who would rather contribute to our low expectations so every date is a pleasant surprise there's the guy who sees this as an opportunity to inspire. You are out there, I have proof.  Sure, love isn't all about pretending to secretly date your cold but beautiful boss but then falling wildly in love with her despite all odds. Embrace this genre of Romantic Comedy, men - or I am sure the next genre will be Men Are Cheap. Those movies will only be only 7 minutes long so at least it wont be a big time commitment.

HOW ELSE CAN YOU FIND YOUR TYPE?

Do I want to date the Prime Minister of England?  Do I want to find love with a die hard Boston Red Sox fan who would bleed for the Green Monster? Or do I want a free spirit who teaches me everything I know about nature? My god so many to choose from. Had I not grown up knowing my options were so wide I may have settled for Jon Hamm in Bridesmaids. Or Hugh grant in Bridget Jones. Or Kanye. 

RELIVE THE GOLDEN DAYS OF DATING
If it weren't for ROM COMS how would I relive my treasured and rambunctious 20s? (While also remembering my epic courting by Shawn) --- I mean this shit keeps us all young! First kisses, first dates, bad dates, good dates, one night stands.....these movies are all some of us married old biddies have! It helps me retroactively capture the youthful spirit of love while I get fat, stop caring and pathetically go to bed at 9:50 because it's ALMOST like 10 (which is a more respectable bedtime for an adult).

GIRL (EM)POWER(MENT)
Okay, if  men cant live up to our expectations - fine. But for those women who say that these movies are the opposite of the feminist movement and set our sex back to the dark ages where we couldn't vote are clearly not watching ROM COMS. They are wrong. The overall message in most of these movies is BE YOURSELF, BE FUCKING SMART and use what you were born with to better yourself and even the lives of others.If you are dumb, stop fucking acting dumb. Have you ever seen a movie where the message is - hey! get dumber, look uglier, and we promise being a slob will get you everything you want.

Anyway - I love em. I'll always love em. They could be horribly written but I dont care.

5 NEW MODERN RULES & TIPS TO LIVE BY:

Clemency Lies In The Death Of A Charge.

The greatest excuse that ever was: Sorry, my phone died.  Whether you are avoiding committing to weeknight dinner plans or being aloof about work after hours, the best thing for you to say to get out of any responsibility is: I left my charger at home. Granted most people will assume you don't have your shit together and it doesn't shed you in a responsible light but they cant prove a thing! Try calling someone out for failure to keep their electronics at above a 20% battery.


MAJOR EXCEPTION: Job interview follow ups. Just like don't even.

He Who Spoilith For The West Coast Hath No Soul.

Just remember when you are opening that app, be it Twitter or Facebook, you are considering your friends 3 hours behind you. We are like the slow fatties at the marathon - it's not our fault we simply CANT keep up! Stop yourself from Breaking Bad and Mad Men commentary so the rest of us dont have to live on a media blackout for live events.

I even consider quality exclamations spoilers. The minute you say BEST. TRUE BLOOD. EVER. my expectations are shattered. Do it for HBO. Close that app until you clear 11pm on the east coast.

O.P.B: (Other People's Babies) Instagram Over Facebook.
I am not a parent but I have noticed in the last year that parents are more and more hesitant to post their kids pictures on social media. It seems the one exception, flying under the radar is Instagram.

If you are having a ball meeting little Northwest and want to tell the world, the only acceptable channel is a locked IG. Or permission from the mom, I suppose.

Accept Gluten As The Modern Devil (Or At Least Pretend To).

Stop asking me what gluten even is. It's not attractive to be anti-informed. Just effing google it and get with the rest of the planet. It used to be in the early 2000s that we as a mass population weren't accountable for other people's diet restrictions but guess what? now we are. When planning a night out or cooking at home be aware there may be a celiac (or someone pretending to be a celiac just to be cool) and be a responsible restaurant chooser.

Don't accommodate vegans, though. We are still about 1 1/2 years from accepting dairy and meat free citizens as not annoying. Don't worry your time will come. Maybe at the same time gay marriage goes federal.

Things On My Mind

Summer is for BBC. 

Call The Midwife.
Broadchurch.
Sherlock.
Orphan Black.

Anglophiles unite! When fall TV resumes I will definitely miss teatimes, stiff upper lips and amazingly detailed period dramas.

Innit?

Why is there a grapefruit but also a grape that is a fruit?
If science asked me my opinion I'd change Grapes = Pre-Wine and Grapefruit = Diet Tart Orange.

Who would play me in a movie?
I have thought about this many times. I havewanted to have an answer ready for that late night drunken conversation.Without thought I would say Mindy Kaling although I know that's overselling myself and one big flaw is that I am not Indian. I assume Indian and Jewish mothers are the same though so that casting would be perfect. If someone else got to her in conversation before me Id' give first refusal rights to Casey Wilson. Maybe even Casey Wilson AS Penny Hearts AS Kate Kugler (Schmieding). SETTLED. No more sleepless nights.

How do stewardesses dump full cups of liquid into the trash bags?
It gives me an insane amount of anxiety when I haven't finished my 2 fingers of diet sprite and they collect my half drank cup right into the trash bag! How!!!? Are they made with space plastic?!

The VMAs caused so much controversy but it gave me one positive: Drake is my new Canadian Jewish Hottie Crush.








I am super into We Transfer for sending files. 
Clearly, this is some important grown up shit.

22 VERSUS 32*

*technically, I'm only 31.

For a few weeks now I've been going on full rock out tour to Taylor Swift's song 22.. Set the scene: my windows are down despite the foggy sf weather, my free Just Dance 4 sunglasses are on, and my organic medium roast coffee is JUST kicking in. The music so loud I assume most people think I have a carpool full of teenagers. Nope, just a sad old person trying to recapture my youth. It's bittersweet nostalgia to sing about a time in my life that I look back so incredibly fondly on and know - it's never going to be that way again. It's also shocking to realize there is a 22 year old without ANY perspective on that time in life because she's so deep in it.... but just gets it. It truly was magical and miserable at the same time. It got me thinking about 22 VERSUS 32 and which age wins? It's simple mathematics. See the breakdown below: 

TIE: "It's always a perfect night to dress up like Hipsters".
(Should the H in hipster be capitalized? Seems like a proper prop noun? Whoa I am showing my age card way too soon. Only a 32 year old would care about that, I guess). I remember debating dating a hipster at 22 and it made me gasp out loud upon realizing - HIPSTERS HAVE BEEN AROUND FOR 10 YEARS, GUYS. 10 YEARS. 22 year olds who are hipsters now were 12 when the term started getting traction. That means they were born to be hip. It didn't just happen. Skinny jeans and monocles are always funny to make fun of at any age!

22 WINS: "It feels like one of those nights we wont be sleeping". 

When I was 22 I would play kickball ON A MONDAY and go to the bar until 2am, then get up for work at 8 and be totally fine after a concoction of 1 coffee, 1 diet coke, 2 aleve and 6 text messages to my roommates asking if they could EVEN believe what happened last night? Nowadays, if I even utter the phrase I wont be sleeping it's because I had 2 drinks and got a rude awakening from the BOOZE ROOSTER and woke up at 5am. Just for fun. (If you are a parent the 22 certainly wins because you aren't sleeping because your kid is coocoo for breastcrack).

TIE: "It feels like the perfect night for breakfast at midnight".  Enjoyable at any age, really. Bacon tastes best from the hours of 11pm-11am both on your way to HANGover all the way to HUNGover. It also tastes great sober. Win win for both ages. Although, if I am eating past 10pm I'm probably cranky. Thats a bummer for 32.

32 WINS: "Tonight's the night when we forget about the heartbreak".
Heartbreak at any age can be upsetting but particularly at 22 love letdowns are DEVASTATING. At 22 none of your friends have enough experience to console you so it's basically a huge emotional wreck for everyone involved. At least at 32 you've lived and learned and had your heart broken many times before. It's old hat. Instead of chain smoking then going on a whiskey binge and having multiple one night stands - you look at what went wrong, pick up a self help book, go yoga crazy and finally sign up for match.com - the paid account, this time. Not the cheap-o 22 kind.

32 WINS: "We're happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time". 
While I typically feel confused at all times about the future, I dont feel confused about the present. As humans we inherently are always questioning what's next? Am I enough? However, the paralyzing aspect of WHAT WILL I BE WHEN I GROW UP? when you're actually YOUNG.....I dont miss at all. It's for the birds. I enjoy at least knowing how to fake confidence at 32. The path to success isn't linear and my expectation of what success even means is relative now. As opposed to 22 when I thought success was literal. It could be defined by what other people had. I wouldn't wish the self esteem issues of a 22 year old on anyone, especially someone at 32.

So what's the verdict? You tell me. 

HARD BOILED CRIME FOR YOLKY FOLKS

Yet another 4th of July in bay area. This time we narrowly avoided the typical foggy, malaise weather for the bright, sunny, crisp patriotic beams of vitamin D most of the country is accustomed to on this fine American holiday. I was inspired recently to create a deviled egg bar and give the people some creations both expected and unexpected. Particularly, I fell in love with the Roasted Carrot & Garlic Deviled Egg that seemed the most out of the box. The others were Wasabi Nori and Bloody Mary Egg.

I made this one up so there will be no reference on the interwebs associated.

Quickly: I roasted 2 carrots (made 6 hard boiled eggs, 12 halved) with garlic infused olive oil, a dash of salt, a smidgen of pepper, a teaspoon of sugar and a little Paris seasoning from Penzeys. I roasted for 30m on 400 and then pureed the carrots while still hot. I mixed it up with a little mayo as per usual and topped with chives. Success! Serve cold because warm eggs are barftastic.

Other things in popular culture I am into right now:

Lady Boner Of The Month: PILF (Presidents I'd Like To....): Scandalized by Scandal
I am particularly fond of the romance genre despite it's effects on the female psyche and the unreal expectations it creates, call me an old fashioned feminist. But combine the unrequited love of a woman and her commander in chief with a touch of House Of Cards ? You had me at the pilot. With my new Ipad Mini I was able to breeze through 2 seasons so rapidly that I was left devastated when I realized I had to wait until the fall to get my fix of  the 3 DC turn ons: power lust and deceit. If you like early Grey's Anatomy and House Of Lies on Showtime this show is for you. The challenge is watching it with your legs closed.

Cronuts:
I thought everything had been invented at this point. It turns out we have fun culinary creations ahead of us we cant even imagine.! I assume this tastes like if Willy Wonka was a pretentious Frenchman who got all his inspiration from buzzfeed.

The Slow Burn Long Con: Top Of The Lake To Ya!
If you have issues with: attention spans, understanding New Zealand accents or suffer from lineage confusion I'd take a pass on this one. However, if you are partial to missing children mysteries, Elizabeth Moss or Jane Campion - this will make for a great mini-series by the fire in the fall. It's slow and nuanced and creepy and twisted. It was born in the wrong era, though. It belongs on PBS in the 90's. Holly Hunter portrays a freakish shaman for broken woman that you simply cant get enough of and when you try and wrap your brain around her, poof she's gone. I wont say much more but I I definitely never saw the plot twist coming!

Byeee!

2012 In Review

2012. You were a terrible movie starring John Cusack. You were a Mayan catastrophe that never happened. You were 365 days worth of entertainment, history making and general lifeyness. Here is a count down of the top 10 things 2012 gave us:


 

10. The Freedom To Block Your Republican Friends On Facebook
We were all waiting for a reason right? This election year was less about Obama and Romney for me and more about watching people throw themselves down the black hole known as "BLOCK". Oh? You think we should overturn Roe V Wade? What was that? Gay marriage is an abomination? Something blah blah blah about TAXES!? I cant hear you from REPORT AS SPAM.

9. A Boy Became A Man.
Dark Knight.
Premium Rush.
Looper.
Lincoln.
Saturday Night Live.

All 5 food groups: action. comedy. facial prosthetics. history. shirtlessnessicity.

I see big things for you, JoLev. We wont make you go back to Halloween sequels and  tv movies. Not if I have anything to say about it. Welcome to the big leagues. Youre the third rock from my sun. The 500 days to my summer and the 10 things I DONT hate about you.

8. Buzzfeed Dominated The CUTE ANIMAL Marketplace.
And opened our hearts and changed our internet article pallet - because of you we only want to read articles that are 40% headline and 50% pictures, 5 % mullets and 5% gifs.

7. Apple Finally Earned The Coveted (yet played out) Accolade: FAIL.
As a longtime Iphone user I can honestly say:  The new Apple Maps are THE WORST! You fucked up! You fucked up! I mean I am not going to get a new phone by any means but this was one pretty epic loss for the user. For me it was like seeing a glitch in the matrix, a slice to the Achilles heel, we're not all perfect. (this may just be projection).

6. One argument AGAINST Marrying Your Cousin. Two In Favor.No explanation necessary.

 5.  Post World Series Giants Fans Prove Hippy Dippy San Fran Can Hang.
Who needs quinoa and socks and sandals when you can trade all that in for complete and utter violent chaos? I thought because they've won in the past 2 years we'd settle on smug elitism. It turns out we opted for anarchy. We're such sore winners!

4. It Turns Out Scientology Is Boring.
The Master proved a snore (but good acting) and the divorce of the hottest scientologist couple of the century was duller than taking a stress test while sleeping. Come on guys - turn up the volume on the weirdo alien shit and crank out some salacious shit, please. Otherwise, I am going to have to revoke your cult religion qualifications and downgrade you to after school club.

3. One Hit Wonders Dont Exist Anymore.
It used to be that we fell in love with a song melody and let it wash over us with unrelenting airplay and commercial integration. Now, we embrace - with millions of youtube parodies, headlining tours in anticipation of the next single. PSY, Carly Rae - it's all in the timing. Your flash in the pan may now be long simmer. Oppan gangnam style people!

2. Instagram Gave Our Eyes Voices.
A picture is worth a 1000 words. 1000 instagram photos are worth one word: facebook. Good job app land! You made some money and changed the way we are seeing ourselves, others, our feet, drinks at the beach and nails.

1. We Overused A Ton Of Phrases.
 I never want to hear the following again:

YOLO

May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor

Winning.

Said No One Ever