Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The Flirtiest, Dirtiest, Nerdiest 30.

30 Things About Turning 30:

30. You should have savings. If I had stayed in Smallbany, NY the last 8 years I'd have boatloads of cash and every Saturday I would make it rain at Quigley's. However, I made 28 grand for 3 years in Los Angeles and will be making up for that for life. Dont pity me though, I showed my undies to Orlando Bloom once and I think that has paid dividends*

*in conversation currency.

29. You should have kids. When you live in a city you're behind 5 years on everything. If I had a kid before 30 I would have been feeding it artisinal cured meats and chicken liver pate because that's what I value as a balanced meal.

28. It's Too Old To Be (insert juvenile act). I am going to say "drunk dialing your mom by accident", "wearing pajamas outside your house", "listening to Britney's 1st album on the regular" and "having that much cleavage"...........World 0, Kate 4.

27. You should be married. Granted I am married so I dont have much ground to stand on but if I were going to stand on any ground and thank gravity - I would say that most marriages I have seen where people got married before they were 25, have ended. Sorry, Katy Perry, Jessica Simpson, Kim Kardashian, Ashton Kutcher and Scarlet Johanson. I thank the lord every day I didnt marry my 1st boyfriend (and I am sure he does too!).

26. 30 Means You Be Wise: Wisdom or a Brand of Chips? I heard someone say recently that every 5 years you look back and say what an idiot you were 5 years ago. This never changes! At 20 I was looking at my 15 year old self saying "dont let that kid feel you up on the after school bus!" and at 25 I was saying to my 20 year old self "dont let that bro feel you up at that frat party!" --- hoping the message changes, but happy perspective is perpetual.

25. You Should Have A Career. I've been in Creative Services/Print Production for 7 years both at WBR and Ubisoft. If 7 years constitutes a career then maybe I should give myself a plaque? If that is true then I also have a career in casually smoking at parties and only shaving the bottom of my legs, since 2005. Should I get certified?

24. The Show Thirtysomethign Captures A Generation. God, I hope not. Timothy Busfield puts the busted in busfield. Read: I also have never seen it.

23. The Grey Hair Will Start Coming. If you can dye it, don't sweat it! If you cant dye it then I am sorry, it is official - you are old. Gross.

22. You Should Have Started Taking Care Of Yourself 10 Years Ago. I am going to shock you when I say I have never washed my face on purpose for longer than 4 days. Dont be grossed out! I take a shower. Well, more specifically I bathe. It's already too late to avoid eye wrinkles for me but maybe my face is just better off for having never applied anything.

21. Old Friends Are Just Old-er Friends, Make New Ones! Well, it's true that your older friends are much older than you when you turn 30. You finally start wondering how old people are! I think its smart to just remember that person knew you when you were 19 and probably still see syou that way. They are keepers!

20. If A Guy Isnt Married By 30, There's Something Wrong With Him. Shawn wasnt married when I met him at 30. It usually just means they are either loners by nature or were in a serious relationship they ended just before they turned 30. However, a never married guy in his 40s likely has one that got away.

19. You Can Eat Dinner Alone And People Dont Think You're Going To Dine & Dash. But you still can. Age aint nothing but a number, but class defies age brackets.

18. "Awwwwww...." Is The Backhanded Compliment To Anyone In Their 20s.
Them: Argh I cant even (insert lame thing you couldnt do in your 20s like drink for a year or buy the expensive toilet paper).
Me: Awwwww. You're so 20s.
Them: Fuck off, old lady.

17. Your Friends Who Are Also 30 Are More Successful Than You. The grass is always greener. All those friends who make lots of money, have happy marriages and have two cars and travel all the time probably get a lot of know, have parents who dont love them. Thats what I tell myself at night.

16. The Roman Numerals For 30 are XXX. I think that calls for an epic celebration of pornographical proportions.

15. AARP Is Only 25 Years Away! Excepts It's Really Never For Our Generation. This is too sad to even say anything about.

14. If you turn 30 this year you are still younger than: Raiders Of The Lost Ark, a 1980 vintage of your favorite wine, Andy Milonakis and Shawn.

13. 30 Years Is Enough To Know You Hate Celery. I doubt I'd wake up tomorrow and decide the most disgusting food on the planet is delicious. Believe me, I'm 30. You can also stop saying Cilantro tastes like soap. We know, science proved it.

12. Jon Hamm Wasnt Successful Until His 30s Either! Well, I guess you'd have to define success. At 36 he became Don Draper and captivated a nation and became the guy every guy wants to be and every girl wants to -- hug *below the belt*---. I am almost positive I will captivate a nation in 6 years. I mean someone has to revolutionize quilting.

11. Your Body Is Declining In Health, Stop Being Alive. Seriously: My metabolism is the slower than Sidney Poitier at the Golden Globes, my hangover recovery is the same length as a defensive driving course and eating activia really does help. I should just give up the dream? Its downhill from here.

10. Remember Those Who Never Made It To 30. Kurt Cobain, Ailiyah and the most recent Duggar Baby. Pour one out for those who never got to experience every cliche in the book.

9. Starfucking Is No Longer An Option. If you ever really thought you'd get with that famous person - Greg Grunberg, I'm looking at you - chances are that person would rather bang someone in their 20s. 30s is just asking for unhealthy attachment issues from people who've gotten over their daddy issues (they think).

8. Your Soup Choices Mature With Age: When you're in your tens Chicken Soup With Stars reigns supreme. The golden age of Ramen should be your 20s and in your 30s you're SUPER into Cauliflower Puree with Air Emulsion. In your 40s you dont eat soup, only stoups.

7. I've Been Paying For The Exit Aisle. If I am mature enough to pay $30 more, I am mature enough to save your goddamn life.

6. My Life Is More Like Happy Endings and How I Met Your Mother and I Hope It Becomes Cougar Town. Please?

5. Other Cool Things With 30 In Them: 30 Rock, 30 SPF, 30 Seconds To Mars (okay, not so cool). You name cool things with 29 in them....I dare you.

4. It Makes Your Parents Feel Old. I do feel bad for my parents. Me turning 30 means they have a daughter who is 30. I guess the best part about that is I dont live home.

3. I cant Wait Til Adele Comes Out With The Album 31. I hope for her sake heartbreak doesnt follow her for 10 more years, but for my sake I hope she has 2 abortions and a string of gay men pretending to be single.

2. Your Next Momentous Birthday Is 40. And thats 10 years from now. Get excited for the minimum effort the next 10 years - lunches with coworkers, a cake from the clearance section and no cards.

1. 4 More Years And You Will Be Older Than Jesus Ever Was. Get ready to sacrifice....nothing.

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