Friday, October 23, 2009

English Muffins As A Time Machine.

So, I know what you're going to say - you dont need ME to tell you how to make an English Muffin pizza. Its pretty self explanatory - take some English muffins, slap on some sauce and grated cheese - pop em in the oves for 20 minutes and voila! You have the easiest meal in the history of eating.

No, what makes these novice concoctions so sweet is their history. My first bite on Wednesday night transported me back to my formative years: the 8th grade. Somewhere in the heart of goff middle school 15 years ago we learned how to "cook"in Home Economics. I use "cook" loosely as I think it was just combining existing canned products so you didnt die of starvation in an Apocalypse. Or at least you would die with a full belly of Tuna Salad. It occurred to me that the combination of sex education and "cooking" wasnt really about preparing us for adulthood, it was about preparing us for when our parents ditched us. Little Susie Rottencrotch's parents decided to take off to Mohegan Sun to bet their pension? No fear - your 14 year old knows how to pop on the Toaster Oven and screw with a condom. She'll be fine for at least 2 days, 3 nights without truly ruining her life. And if she does - blame the schools.

I sit here writing this blog and getting ever so increasingly wistful for that age. It truly has the distinction of something you can never go back to - you're financially ignorant about the world, your life is this little bubble of 5 or so people and the possibility of your 1st kiss is permeating and imminent. If you really wanted you could act like a teenager, or even relive your college years, but 11-15 - there's no going back to the dawn of your discoveries.

I feel compelled to reveal my 1st kiss was to Mike Slauson at the 8th Grade Dance. It was wet, and long and amatuer. Unlike the movies, it was neither awkward like a Michael Cera 1st kiss nor loving like a Leonardo DiCaprio 1st kiss. It was better than any cinematic embrace because it was the first little bubble coming to the surface of a boiling sexuality that has lasted me 27 years . Granted, we broke up 4 days later and it was onto the next crush ( was it Dan Leto? No he had 1 arm, it was Dan Lester. He was dirty and gross but my lord if he wasnt Jordan Catalano before Jordan Catalano existed...)

Even though you cant recreate the trauma of getting your period or getting expelled for taking a pen and breaking it and smearing it all over Don Feldmeyer's face on the bus to a field trip - there were about 100 other people who experienced it with me and would be ready to reminisce in a heartbeat. I am lucky to have almost the same friends 15 years later.

(ps. I kind of wish I knew the story of everyone's first kiss - post to me or the page if you so like).

1 comment:

  1. Tim DeBenidetti, 8th grade dance, Goff Middle School. GREAT post.

    Did you REALLY smear ink all over Don Feldmeyer's face? Awesome.